Craig’s List? Really?

I went into my online dating adventure thinking I’d come out on the other side with some amusing stories and maybe a few new friends.  If you’d have told me I’d find myself in the best relationship I’ve ever been in and happier than I ever have been, I’d have laughed.  But that’s where I am: happy and in love.

I suppose it would have been nice to meet Mr organically, if only to avoid the uncomfortable conversations about how we met.  After a few unpleasant (but funny in hindsight) situations, we have almost overcome the awkwardness.  Or maybe everyone knows so it doesn’t come up any more.

Admittedly, I have it easier than he does.  I’ve been sharing my online dating adventures since before we met.  He came across my post while browsing the personals section of Craig’s List for entertainment purposes.  I had gone on eight awful dates and responded to countless awful e-mails but this was his first endeavor.  Whatever.  It worked out.

So…you know how Craig is from San Francisco?  And you know how EVERYONE in the Bay Area uses Craig’s List for EVERYTHING? Well in Canada – not so much.  Who knew that an already uncomfortable conversation could catapult from “sorta awkward” to “freakin’ weird” faster than you can say “personals section?”  It turns out Canadians’ primary use for my beloved go-to site is generally limited to used furniture and the occasional missed connection.  Most of them haven’t even heard of the best of section and think “personals” is a polite way to describe “casual encounters.” (It’s not, by the way.)

Mainstream singles apparently prefer Plenty of Fish and Lavalife – it’s no wonder I found so many freaks before meeting Mr.  I wonder: how long would I have lasted dating one strange man after another before I gave up? How long before someone told me that Craig’s List is not where the cool kids hang out?

best of…

Guess whose Craig’s List post can now be found in the “best of” section?

dates that never were

What started out as an adventure in online dating has turned into a collection of funny stories and a possibility for some potential.  I told J I am seeing someone else, told Mr. I am not seeing anyone else, and now I’m just seeing Mr.  We’ve been on a few more dates since the last one, but I’m leaving them off-line for now (oh, the irony).  So I leave you with this list of stories you won’t get to read about and the various reasons why…

Alexander

Alexander is 26 and claims to have been on the board of a hospital.  Really? A quick Google search confirmed he was actually the secretary of the auxiliary group, an honorable thing no doubt but more than slightly embellished.

Tip: if you share your real name, you will be Googled.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt I asked about it (not the Google part, the part he’d told me about).

Tip: if you learn something the person didn’t tell you directly, pretend you don’t know.

He responded with what very well may have been taken from a motivational speech.  Something about having confidence in yourself and blah blah blah.  He then went on for two paragraphs about how he loves fashion and loves to wear suits and buy custom clothes and has a five year plan and wrote a business plan that he wants to tell me about in person but isn’t comfortable sharing on e-mail and blah blah blah.

Tip: be interesting.  Show me why I should like you, don’t tell me why I should hire you.

Stephen

A brief exchange of niceties with Stephen, we shared e-mails back and forth for a while and talked about meeting in person.  But before we did so, he wanted me to share more pictures.  Now, I have no problem sharing pictures because the one I posted was very recent and accurate.  My problem is with him asking in the way that he did.  (When Mr. wanted to see more pictures he sent me some, a subtle hint but well received).

Let’s be logical for a moment – if the photo I sent was fake, why would I be asking to meet you in person?  If the photo was old or inaccurate, doesn’t it stand to reason that I have more where that came from?

Tip: don’t act like you’re afraid. I’m putting myself out there, try doing the same.

 

So despite what you may have been thinking after my first few dates, I did in fact exercise some judgment when deciding who to meet  Alexander and Stephen were just a few who happened to give me bad vibes from the start.  I also got a lot of really nice responses from really nice people.

I tried my best to write back to everyone who responded, but there were a couple who I didn’t and I’m explaining them here in case some lonely man is looking for a Craig’s List strategy…

I got countless replies that were copied and pasted into form e-mails.  “Hi, I saw your post on CL and you look nice.  I am [height, weight, hair color, eye color, age (maybe)] and would just love to meet a girl who is real and would like to hang out.  Please send a photo, I have attached mine.”

Tip: read what I freakin’ wrote.

Even though half of my post was about sending a photo, many people didn’t.  They couldn’t figure out how to attach it, or don’t have one scanned, or something.

Tip: don’t lie.

What about the following could possibly make me want to meet you in person?

I am tired of finding spam sites and just want to meet a real person. I keep meeting women who leave me and don’t like me for who I am.  I am lonely and pathetic and sad and have no intention of changing any of that.

Okay, maybe not that last part…but many people seem to be writing me just to whine about the downfalls of dating online.  No introduction, sometimes not even a name, no information about themselves, no questions about me.

Tip: I’m not your therapist.

My final pieces of advice:

Ladies – try Craig’s List. You have nothing to lose and funny stories to gain.

Gentlemen (online or offline): read about my crappy dates and don’t do those things.  Read about my good dates and do those things.  Go on Craig’s List, there might be some awesome ladies there :)

Mr. Butterflies

I was in New York all week on business, probably a little less productive than usual as I was constantly refreshing my e-mail to see if he’d written.  He finally did and asked me out on Friday – we agreed to a more low-key night than the previous one and made plans to meet for dinner.  I love exchanging texts and e-mails when we’re apart.  What were butterflies like before electronic communication?

Tip: if you’re thinking about her, let her know.

No new shoes this time, and only a few minutes getting ready. I was surprisingly comfortable given this is my first third date in…well, I’d care not to say.   Our “low key” night started with a drink followed by dinner.  Mr. is from the Toronto area and likes to give me a history of the city as we walk around.  He realizes and gets shy but I like it and urge him to go on.  If he were too suave I’d be skeptical, I like his occasional awkwardness.

He took me to a comedy show that basically just made fun of Americans, we both found it hilarious.  Afterward we checked out a bluegrass band at the Silver Dollar.  I kept reminding him he had an early morning but he wanted to stay so we did.

I am excited to be excited about someone and in no rush to be anything but.

Mr. Sunday-afternoon-second-date

I thanked Mr. for the fun time on Friday and asked if he’d like to spend Sunday with me.  Part of me wondered how he’d feel about me asking him out, given he is relatively traditional and it is very soon.  I waited and waited and waited and finally he responded: yes.

He picked me up and we walked to lunch at a restaurant near my place.  Conversation flows so nicely.  I found myself telling him more than I normally would.  I told him about my neurotic obsession with  making lists and my love for cleaning.  I think (I hope) he thought it was cute – he smiled. Good enough.  He is either really polite or likes me too, I think both.  He talks about his parents a lot, very fondly.  I like that.  He is confident about his career.  I like that too.

We stopped at a bookstore on the way to the movie, he wanted to pick up a copy of Shantaram because I’d told him how much I love it and he wanted to read it so we could talk about it.  (Seriously?)  On the way from the bookstore to the movie, we held hands. (Seriously?)  He had evening plans with his family but walked me home anyway, another gentle kiss good night and a “hope to see you soon.”

Tip: don’t give up on Craig’s List.

Mr. (ninth-date-is-a) Charm

I couldn’t help but smile as I read Mr.’s e-mail.  He responded to everything I wrote with sarcastic and playful humour.  He read my post and instead of a generic or boring or creepy response he sent back a note that was actually pleasant to read.  Thank you, Craig.

Tip: Every girl wants to feel special.  Find a way to make that happen.

We traded e-mails for about a week before finally making plans to meet.  He asked me out for a Tuesday and told me to wear something classy.  I looked forward to the date all weekend and bought new shoes.  He canceled on Monday; I believed his excuse about having a medical appointment but he sent me a photo of the doctor’s office to prove his story.  We rescheduled for Friday.  Same deal – wear something classy…but now he added that I should be prepared to go someplace grimy afterward.

I hereby acknowledge that all of the above sounds a little creepy out of context and given my track record I should probably be a little more cautious.  But we’ve been writing back and forth and I don’t get any creepy vibes, in fact he’s funny and seemingly nice and somehow the conversation is not awkward despite unconventional beginnings.  That, or I’m broken down and exhausted from all this online dating.

Mr. met me at the subway station and we walked briskly to the martini bar at the top of a hotel.  He gave me a book called, “Worst Case Scenario Guide for Dating” with an inscription, “just in case this doesn’t work out” he joked.  Mr. is charming without being too smooth, and from what I can tell very sincere.  We shared stories about work, family and travel and he gave me some fun Toronto facts.  We have a lot in common.

We took a taxi to Grossman’s Tavern where a blues band called the Loose Wires covered blues songs.  I wonder what went through his mind when he saw my face.  There is no way he could have known how much I’d like a place like that.  Most girls wouldn’t.  “Grimy” was right, the best way I can describe it is that they took a bar out of my rural redneck town and dropped it right in the middle of Toronto.

The waitress tried her best to come across as cranky but failed miserably.  She was a sweet lady who I believe was trying to add to the charm of the venue.  The bathrooms (or washrooms as they call them here in Canada) were downright scary and someone sitting behind us (at our table, not in the washroom) was slurring words and crying.  We chatted with the band until the place closed.  We grabbed a taxi to my place and he walked me to the door and kissed me goodnight.

Tip: be old fashioned, not all women demand it but all women appreciate it.

Date 2 of ? with J

J and I said goodbye after our day at the museum, he was leaving for Brazil to spend the holiday with his family.  But a couple of days went by and he asked if I’d like to have a glass of wine on Thursday before he left.  Of course.

We had a nice time chatting over several drinks and some calamari.  It is of course too soon to tell, but I suspect he’s more of a friend than a potential love interest. He’s very kind and sweet but I’m afraid I feel more flattered than attracted.

As I write this I am struggling to determine where to draw the line when it comes to privacy.  I don’t know where it’s going but I can imagine several scenarios with negative outcomes should I go on, so I won’t.

We’re planning to see each other again when he gets back from Brazil, but I’m keeping my options open.  Despite my hesitation, I feel like a second date with an online suitor is an achievement.

Steve c/o Steve’s parents

Steve and I met at Second City, a comedy club on a Wednesday evening.  What is a girl supposed to do when she instantly realizes there is no chemistry? No seriously, what was I supposed to do?  Oh well, Comedy is fun.  It is also a nice way to avoid conversation – much like a movie or any other sort of show.

Tip: places where talking is prohibited are generally not conducive to good conversation. Dates without good conversation are generally not conducive to second dates.

That said, the date was probably better for the lack of conversation.  The conversation we did have was incredibly (I’m trying so hard to find a nicer way to put this, but failing, so just going ahead) boring.  I went to the bathroom just to avoid any more and waited until the end of intermission before I sat back down.

Steve lives with his parents with no intention of moving any time soon.  He doesn’t want to move into the city from the suburb grew up in because he doesn’t want to leave his friends from high school.  There is nothing wrong with either of these things I suppose, but for me they are deal breakers.  Independent and adventurous are two qualities I cannot live without in a potential partner or even in myself.  I’m not sure how old Steve is; I’m going to guess 22.  By the end of our date it felt more like I had taken someone’s younger brother out as a favour.  He, like Eli, got “confused” when the bill came and ultimately I paid.

Tip: (and this is going to sound horrible, but I feel I earned it by having to  endure the conversation) date within your league (I know! Terrible, but honest).

J the Brazilian doctor

J is a Brazilian Cardiologist who is also new to Toronto – he’s doing heart transplant research while working to convert his license to a Canadian one so he can see patients again.  Based on lessons learned from the aforementioned dates we exchanged several e-mails.  He came across as sweet and friendly.  Our first few attempts at making a date ended in scheduling conflicts so we continued to exchange e-mail.  Saturday, we finally met.

I met him at a café near my home for brunch.  I was 5 minutes late (what a jerk) but he didn’t mind.  J is tall and blond with green eyes.  He wears glasses that make him look distinguished and I found his modest attire charming.  We sat for an hour and talked over quiche, pancakes and tea.  Conversation flowed nicely; he is very sweet and sensitive.  I feel calm around him.

We took the bus to a museum for the “Body Worlds” exhibit where the theme was “Story of the Heart.”  He of course was familiar with it, being a doctor – but walked around with me and pointed out interesting things in the exhibits and told me about some of his experiences.  I was surprised at my reaction; usually I have a strong stomach and a curiosity for such things but the exhibit made me a little queasy.  I tried to hide that but I think he noticed.  We took the bus back to my stop and he asked to have coffee and an Espresso Brownie.  Of course, I accepted.  We had to cut it short because I had another date the same night and needed to get ready (of course, he doesn’t know that).

Tip: don’t double book.

He’s back in Brazil visiting his family for the holidays and we plan to go to a hockey game when he gets back.  I’m not sharing his name because he might show up here again :)

Eli the non-funny anti-American

Eli was the first person to respond to my post – he sent a photo (not bad – unfortunately also not accurate as I’d soon find out) and asked to meet me.  We made plans to meet on Friday at a chain restaurant (who chooses a chain restaurant for a first date?)  He asked for my number and immediately called me – I didn’t answer.  He sent me an e-mail within ten seconds asking, “why are you screening my calls?” and I responded by saying I didn’t think it was going to work for me to meet him.  He assured me he was only kidding and we rescheduled.

Tip: don’t ignore red flags.

He works in IT for a small company and lives in his brother’s basement.  I’m pretty sure he stays up all night playing video games (no offense to my friends who are too busy playing video games to read this) and has the lack of social skills to prove it.  He spent the whole time insulting me (I think it was an attempt at flirting gone horribly wrong).  He went on about how Americans ‘suck’ and then tried to start an argument about politics.  He complained about his coworkers, how he hates sports (and most other activities)…but he wasn’t funny.  All of the above are potentially funny topics – but he wasn’t funny.

Tip: don’t be an asshole.

We each had one beer at less than $5 and when the bill came he asked, “how are we going to split this up? I only have a card.” I said “don’t worry I’ll get it – it’s really not that much money.” And he said okay.  And I said good night.  I figured he got the hint and never called him again but yesterday he left me a voice mail saying, “Hey, it’s Eli – the guy you went out with.  Listen, something just came across my desk that I think you’ll be very interested in so give me a call back, okay?”

Yeah, not so much.